The Malicious Lesioning of a Gigantic Region of a Rat's Brain Kills It: Implications for Further Study.
Adult male rats were exposed to a malicious attack for a single 6-hour period. This exposure destroyed all of the neurons and sustentacular cells in over 95% of their brains. In response to these lesions, all of the rats died at levels higher than the control group over the same 6 hour period. The correlation between undergoing the attack and dying was exactly 1. Our data imply that these types of attacks should be avoided in the promotion of rat health and wellness. Further research is needed to determine whether the attack was causally related to the death or merely correlated.

Three Important Definitions
- The zoologist has found an animal.
- The cryptozoologist is trying to find an animal.
- The postcryptozoologist is charming as fucking ever and you are buying it one hundred percent.

An Impenetrable Assertion of the Moral Superiority of Quintuple-Blind Studies: Implications for the 63rd Century.
This article begins by defining the quintuple-blind study as one blind to the subjects, the researchers, the authors, the reader and itself. Complex logarithmic proofs are provided to show this technique's supremely impressive unassailability. An account of one such study is alluded to, but only indirectly. There is something explaining why the Journal of Postcryptozoological Studies will never be published, but before you get to that part the text itself disappears into thin air.

Can Unicellular Organisms Have Neural Networks?: An Obvious No.
This article defines a unicellular organism as any life form made up of only one cell. It is then obvious why they cannot have neural networks. We try to make the article longer by putting this point in a historical context, including impressive charts and figures, and then disputing the historical context. It is still rather short.

A Hermeneutic Entry into Bob McQueen’s Handjob of Lothario Guglietta and Robots
Several textual analyses of the handjob preformed by Bob McQueen on Lothario Guglietta in college have resulted in a popular belief that the action was itself a Reichian affirmation of the UFOlogical fighting power of cosmic orgasm energy. This article problematises both the popular Reichian reading as well as Guglietta's own Manichean reading of the handjob within the theoretical context of anti-robophobia. We attempt to say that viewing McQueen's majestic cock-pleasuring stroke as being other than a text authored by the reader in the act of contemplation can only be due to man's fears of his own agency in the creation of his worldspace. Robots are the epitome of human agency, and since the handjob could never be authored by McQueen's dexterous and agile and shockingly adept right hand, it becomes the creation of the reader's imagined robot. Finally, the article denigrates into vapid sloganeering with sentences like, "Robots aren't afraid of you." which isn't even necessarily true because they can be programmed to be.

Militant Adherence to Baba: A Really Good Idea
It has been established in other studies that an increase in adherence to divine protocol is highly correlated with an increase in efficacy. This article argues that because the Avatar Meher Baba is the Avatar of the Age, his protocol is therefore divine. By substitution, adherence to Baba's protocol is then hypothesized as leading to an infinite increase in outcome. There is a call for empirical research to test this hypothesis and then some very reassuring words about how much Baba loves you no matter what you do or think.

An Indestructible Theory of Monkey Ecstasy
Hyper-elevated mood states in monkeys and chimpanzees have been have been mistakenly attributed to Jay Flanders. In fact, Flanders is a piece of shit. This article wants nothing to do with Flanders. Instead, employing a reckless disregard for conventional statistical analysis and number theory, we show that frenzied electrical stimulation of contentment centers in the basal lateral amygdala in monkeys reared with woefully inadequate parenting produces a sort of super-monkey that we term "Super Monkey." We then seek to divert the reader's attention from problems in generalizing our findings with impressive looking charts and complex structural equation models.

Problematising the Party Animal
The mystery of the berzerker defeat into nonexistence backwards in time is that it occurs without reference to existence or nonexistence. This leads me to another important point which is Professor George Challenger's stupid essay, 'Reflections on the Handsome Left.' As we all know, George Challenger is a notorious pederast.
Further, we must problematise the construct of the party animal. It is clear to everyone that Challenger's essay was addressed to an audience. "A certain walk" Challenger says. "The image we have been trying to construct" he says. Grow up.
Handsomeness as praxis presupposes a number of things. The first is the subject which we will call here the party animal. Like other animals, he is known by his attributes and possessions. These attributes and possessions which Challenger tries to refine and construct in his essay are sought to give definition to the animal as an entity. in fact, they serve to conceal the animal's conspicuous absence, much like putting a tuxedo on a komodo dragon. Challenger hopes the tuxedo will distract his readers from the glaring nonexistence of the dragon. Think again. "Dear sir, that is a lovely tuxedo. However, it has not made your dragon real."
The scientist is cryptid. The leftist is cryptid. The debate over sharkness is perpetual. And on and on. On a radically different note, Challenger also says, "individuals are about as useful as ugly stalinists with body odor and public hard-ons" which is a good point. This leads me to stop and wonder why I called him a pederast.
In summation, the tuxedo is empty and the party animal remains undiscovered.

Towards a Pathology of Everything
It has been established in previous studies that everything is a terrible piece of shit. This article aims to categorize the shittiness of all imaginable things. The hexadecimal system is employed along with a gigantic list of categories originally developed by Dr. Robert Spitzer to confuse people about ballroom dancing. Many of the categories have been left empty and were included for purely aesthetic purposes, while others are intentionally vague. Most apply only to my ex-girlfriend's emotional unavailability. Over and out.

The Only Way to Know if God Loves You is to Try to Influence a Random Number Generator
Empirical research into the effects of prayer to have led to highly debated outcomes. While many of the studies that reported prayer having a high efficacy in influencing the fertility of Koreans and the growth of bacteria have since been subject to methodological criticism, certain other studies have remained in the loving glow of the academy. For instance, Princeton University professors have demonstrated the ability of human intention to influence a random number generator. The effect size is minute, but it is significant and constant over hundreds of trials. The results of these experiments are particularly important because they will determine once and for all whether God exists and loves us as His children.